Angel’s blog

Taking on the label of "feminist" was a difficult decision to make. It's messages are something I believe in (for the most part). But then come the stereotypes about feminists. People tend to have such a negative view perpetuated by stereotypes that they either don't want to bother with trying to understand or they simply have no one to change their viewpoint. And then naturally because I consider myself one, I must hate men too.

Rarely people understand what a feminism stands for. In fact, I used to be one of these people who had decided that feminists were "no fun" and "manhaters". Mainly because I wanted boys to like me and most boys I met seemed to think this way about feminist too.

It was a process, slowly coming to feminist media, poking around and educating myself.  The more I learned, the more I understood. Feminism is like any other issue based group, it has it's splinters over major issues (i.e. sex works, pornography, the dreaded patriarchy, sexist humor & media). Naturally you'll have extremists from one end of the spectrum to another yet no one seems to understand this.

Pro life activists that blow up abortion clinics? Not the majority. Envrionmental activists that believe humans are the sole cause for desctruction on this planet so they believe we should give up procreating? Not the majority. Christians who believe in speaking tongues or cleansing with snakes? Not the majority. Feminists who hate men and demand female superiorty (sure they exists) but NOT the majority.

Real feminists (and I say real because in my humble opinion, if you seek to debase men, you are not a "real" feminist) don't want men and women to be at odds with each other, that's the entire point of the movement! Feminism wants women to be treated as people, worthy of respect and dignity. It wants women to be able to reach any goal they desire rather than be restricted by social inqueality. It believes women should have the right to bodily autonomy and sexual autonomy. It believes that men are more than their sexual parts and sexual desire, not animals unable to control their desires.

Why is it any different from saying, oh all black people love watermellon and fried chicken? This is something I've struggled with since I was a kid, not just about feminism, but about any stereotype I had to face as a black female growing up in a predominantly white neighborhood. It was all ignorance and lack of real exoposure to a black person or just one lousy experience with one lousy person. (I'll save the whole idea that black people are all the same for another post).

Bottom line: people are different. We have various backgrounds and experiences that shape who we become as adults and we pass those messages onto our children. What is "right" versus what is "wrong" are relative and come in all shapes and sizes depending on who you're talking to and where they came from.

It's my belief that to know your stand point, you have to know the stand point of something or someone you don't agree with. You have to consider their position and question whehter or not it's something you agree with. The only way you can do do this is to be open minded, leave the stereotypes behind and take a step back from the bandwagon.

I am astounded and appalled by how many lesbians on Afterellen.com seem to think that having had sex with a man makes you dirty. Unbelievable. Like being bisexual means you're impure and ruined and full of STDS. How can people spout this kind of shit? Especially lesbians?? I mean, they face their fair share of shit from hetero people about their lifestyles and then they can just turn around and fling back on another minority group?

It never ceases to amaze me how much people seek to divide one another.

I'm still fucking dumbfounded that people ACTUALLY think this way. And these same people turn around and say bisexuals are the problem...

This is why I'm hesitant to get involved with a gay woman. I mean, it's hard enough with the type of relationship style I want. I have a boyfriend, he's not going anywhere, we're ethically non-monogamous and no that doesn't mean I'm a slut or that I fuck anything that moves.

Jesus Christ people!

And no, I do not think all lesbians think this way. But I can't help but feel hesitant. I face enough shit from hetero people about being bi, I'm not trying to add another group to that list.

Sometimes, putting yourself "out there" online and being honest with people about who you are sexually can be extremely frustrating. 

For a while now I've had a profile up on a dating website where I've stated my interest in dating other women. My boyfriend is completely fine with this and we've agreed I would not date other men.

Of course, people still send me emails completely disregarding my express desires for men NOT to contact me in the hopes of having sex with me, getting me to have a threesome with him and his girlfriend or whatever the fuck else.

How many different ways must I express that I have NO interest in cheating on my boyfriend or breaking my disagreement with him.

Why can't guys get this? What makes people think that if I say no, it's an invitation to ask me out anyway. Or to try and be sneaky about "getting to know me?"

Speaking of which, nothing annoys me more than a guy that hears you say no the first time and thinks that the more time you spend around them, the better chance they have to get in your pants.

Yesterday my boyfriend made a comment to me about a thought he had while he was half asleep.

"So this is what it's like to be with the love of my life."

And I thought about those words to me and what they mean. Somehow, it feels wrong to describe it that way. At least for me to do so (I recognize differences in communication and thought!). I think it's because it almost seems inaccurate.

To imagine a life without him is damn near impossible. I can picture myself living without him but the image comes to a stop. I can't imagine a future where he isn't around. Which will sometimes make me panic at the mere thought of how much this one person has come to mean to me over time. There is just this dull empty feeling inside of me whenever I think about being without him. It doesn't drive to me tears as it used to when we were in the throes of a new relationship.  But I can't help but feel like this is worse than crying. That complete emptiness.

I love him without question and regardless of what happens I want him to always be a part of my life in an intimate and romantic way.

So why does "love of my life" feel wrong? I guess it's because it's just so much more than that. It's part of my soul, it's one of my limbs, it's a part of me. He's a part of me.  He's separate, an individual, but he's part of me. It's why regardless of what happens, no matter how afraid I can get, I know in the recesses of my heart he'll always be there with me.

I just...can't put this feeling into words. Sometimes I worry because I can't that the feeling isn't real, it's not there, that I've somehow made him out to be someone he isn't. That maybe the love we share isn't something we share at all and I'm only a witness to it.

I don't understand what this means.

I am so tired of the same crap from the same people! I don't know what my problem is, if I'm just a glutton for punishment or what. But I am so sick of it. I'm sick of my brother NEVER listening to what I have to say and being a complete hypocrite while blaming me for the reason he and I aren't as close as he'd like us to be.

Maybe he will wake up one day and realize that when you spend majority of your time undermining me, questioning my beliefs, and making me feel like I'm completely stupid and completely unable to think for myself that I'm not going to be jumping at the chance to be around you. I'm going to feel like I'm fourteen again and not allowed to grow up and be my own person.

I'm sick of my father...fuck, I'm just sick of all his crap that will take waaaaaaaay too long to list and I don't think I've had enough wine to do it.

I'm sick of certain people standing me up or making false promises. Is honesty so much to ask for? I mean, seriously! Just be straight up with me, tell me the truth. So what if I don't always like it? I'm gonna respect you so much more if you do! At least then, I know where you're coming from and sure, it may hurt and it may make me angry but at least you had the fucking stones to come clean.

URRRRRRRRG!!!

What am I doing wrong that this shit just keeps on flying in my direction?? 

PS. Freya, stop pissing on my goddamn carpet.

Even before I got into a serious relationship I had made a promise to myself to never fake an orgasm. I thought, what's the point of hooking up with someone if you're not going to get the grand prize at the end?

Of course, my thought patterned has changed a little bit since then (i.e. I've learned to enjoy sex even if I don't come to that screaming finale) but one thing isn't going to change.

No matter how much it may suck for the other person, I'm not going to lie about achieving a climax. For various reasons.

For one thing, it's lying! I don't want to live my life that way. Either I'm having sex with someone I love or someone who I'm casually interested in. Either way I don't agree with the notion of lying to someone to "protect their ego." Then what happens the next time? They think they're doing everything right and either I don't finish at all (again) or they find out I lied in the first place and now we have an even bigger problem. My partner is just going to wonder if I'm faking it every time we have sex or if I even enjoy myself at all.

Which do you think would be the bigger ego killer? You're partner not coming one time during sex or finding out every time you thought things were working out great for both of you, it's not the case?

I think it's stupid but maybe it's coming from a position where my boyfriend expects me to be honest with him every time he asks and prefers I say no rather than lying to him about it.  I know for a lot of women out there, they have partners that will badger them about it rather than simply understanding that sometimes you just aren't going to have one. 

I'm lucky enough that almost every time I've had sex, I've gotten off. And for the few times I haven't, I've been honest about it. Doesn't mean it hasn't causes problems or a bruised ego. But we got passed it, he got passed it and we dealt with it.

And lets not excuse lying by that "I'm saving them the heartache/upset/sadness." bullshit. People who cheat and feel guilty about it use that same logic too.

I just don't understand why my dog, who normally does really well about letting me know when she has to go outside, decides to walk and pee all over the hallway rug. No warning, no nothing. What does it take to make a well behaved puppy?

I just don't get why she's not consistently acting housebroken when she seems to act like it the majority of the time? To be fair she hasn't had as maby accidents as she used too. Though I'm starting to wonder if her progress is mostly due to a bigger bladder.

I need to get some rest for once.

You've bested me this time...but I will be back...WITH A VENGENCE...

I mean that with all sincerity. Right now I'm using my boyfriend's lovely Mac to figure out how to fix my stupid Dell because it crapped out on me.  Well, it almost crapped out on me. Thanks to lack of funds to pay for uber expensive antivirus software my laptop had a ton of viruses that wreaked havoc and now my computer doesn't want to do anything other than crash all my programs. 

If I count the number of partners I've had a sexual encounter with (oral, anal, penetrative) the number would be 10.  Does having 10 sexual partners mean I'm a bad person or somehow of lesser value than someone who's had 2? Or 3?